he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
ttyl tear gas
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
