I wish I could teleport
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
