I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
