he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
