i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I forget how to act sober
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
