If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
