Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
operation have a gay friend backfired
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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