My friends, they love my intelligence
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
