just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
The ass gains better be worth it
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