I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
