The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
