Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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