im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
