you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
