Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
