Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
