She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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