Betty ford says i'm here all night
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
