Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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