I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
