I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
