Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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