please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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