Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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