The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
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I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
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I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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