I'll bet she douches with gravy.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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