Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
