the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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