I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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