The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
