Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
