OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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