So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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