I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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