Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
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I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
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I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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