i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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