i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
