yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
