FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
She's the barista slut.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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