I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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