For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
