Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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