so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
