living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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