I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Randomize
