so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
