Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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