Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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