How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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