i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
