mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
