you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
