Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just cut my nipple shaving
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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