I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Randomize
