you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
And then he peed in my hair
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