I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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